Twas the middle of the night and all through the house.
No one was stirring not even a mouse.
So I crept downstairs to catch a glimpse of the girl next door – she’s no ordinary whore.
She was beautiful, at least that’s what I thought.
True beauty I’d never been taught.
She was obedient and giving, as all girls ought.
I was in charge or so I thought.
Tame me. Break me. Chain me please.
She said this all while on bended knee.
How could I refuse such a request?
It was what she wanted, or so she confessed.
Of course, I knew better. But never mind that now.
It’s about to get heavy as I show her how.
To please me. Make me feel good.
Understood. So good I could come.
But not yet baby. There’s more to succumb.
Eyes open. Eyes shut.
Reality bends its knee to please my will.
Thrilling. She knows me so well.
Willing. She’s an easy sell.
Wanting. That’s how I leave her now.
Good. She knows the rules.
If not, I enforce. But it’s her choice of course.
Make me. Break me. Take me now.
Fill me. Fuck me. I hear from my own mouth.
Shhh. Quiet. Creep about.
Look over your shoulder.
No one’s there. Phew.
You’re my little secret.
I’m so glad I have you.
Eyes open. Eyes shut.
Now who’s the slut?
Is it her? Or me?
I can’t fucking see.
It’s all a blur.
It’s about to get real.
I wake up sick as I look at her face. An angel.
Not even a trace. Innocent.
She doesn’t even know why I lay in darkness as I watch her glow.
Beauty. I see it now.
But not a drop in me.
In the mirror, it’s all I see.
I know I am.
I’m not even a man.
Into slavery of heart,
While I watch other men tear those tricks apart.
My body craves more.
I ignore it as I walk out the door.
Eyes open. Wide.
I take it all in.
“Sin!” I hear the man in the pulpit.
But I can’t help it. I need the release.
It’s stress that drives me to this, you see.
I finish. I clean up my mess.
No one knows and that way is best.
She won’t find out and that will keep her safe.
Besides, telling her would only rub it in her face.
Fuck my life.
This goddamn thing is taking up so much time.
It’s never enough. I always want more.
Just one more touch.
I can’t help it.
I need it.
I’m losing my mind.
Besides, it’s not real.
It’s only an illusion that passes the time,
I need it so I can de-stress, unwind.
I can’t sleep at all.
I’m suffocating now every time it calls.
O never mind…
You probably hate me.
I know you hate my “sin.”
I know I told you I’d stop.
But I can’t, you win.
I give up.
I’m worth nothing at all.
This is driving me up the fucking wall.
I feel like a loser and then like a “man” and round and round and back again.
I can’t even stand…up.
The sight of my life.
Just look at her.
My fragile wife.
If she knew, she’d fall all apart.
I’m keeping this a secret to protect her heart.
But broken I am.
I can’t keep it together as I originally planned.
I’ve so many secrets.
And no place to hide.
Certainly not from you.
Do you hate me too? Cuz I do.
Came the answer I didn’t expect.
But look! I’ve made such a fucking mess!
I love you no less.
This doesn’t make sense…
Son, you’re not broken as you presume.
You’re not unlike others – fear consumed.
You search for the answer to the question of your youth.
You haven’t believed it all these years.
Your search has driven you now to tears.
Would you believe it if I said you were enough?
That you’re still okay even though you’re messed up.
Would you believe that things could change?
That you’re not addicted to porn – you’re addicted to shame.